Monster Mash
October 17th, 2011

Monster Mash

For most men, shaving is something you look forward to as a kid. It’s a sign that you’re really an adult. You’re finally allowed to wield sharp objects near and around your eyeballs, and you can even douse your head in alcohol with it all being perfectly acceptable.

Not so.

My beard, a generous term for the barren hairs that nestle together into small, isolated communities on the underside of my jawline, is terrible. I hate it. It has no distinct pattern. It has no purpose for it surely does nothing to warm me. If my beard was a color, that color would be “fucking awful“.

Do not take this to mean I hate all beards. No, within me is a well of avarice, a goddamn Marianas Trench of jealousy, for those who can produce a beard casually. And then they say, “Oh, you wouldn’t want one anyway, they’re such a pain in the ass.”

Really? I wouldn’t want one, you say?

What I want is FREEDOM. A CHOICE! What am I to you? Some kind of lucky child born under Poseidon’s Star, a blessed one who has not such worries of facial hair?

No. I have these worries. I have them to an even greater degree. Because I must remain vigilant in keeping my face shorn lest you see the non-Euclidean dimensions my facial hair assumes. It will drive you mad.

End beard chat.

-cof

^ 26 Comments...

  1. Grimloche

    You just made me appreciate my beard even more than I already did. I’ll never take it for granted again. Thank you.

    [Reply]

  2. Pj Perez

    I never looked forward to shaving and still despise it to this day. The only reason I do it once a week is because otherwise I look homeless after a week and a half. And 10 years older, because my beard grows in half-white now.

    [Reply]

  3. Benel

    Amen. As part of those whose facial hair can be described as a goatee only ironically, I can’t tell how green my eyes glow when I see a perfectly maintain beard. It is enough to drive my murderous resentment towards my fellow man.

    [Reply]

  4. Jables

    I’m too lazy to shave.. that is the only reason I have a beard. At least it’s a proper beard though.

    [Reply]

  5. lighthousepilot

    You can have mine.

    [Reply]

  6. Jim K

    I think that Katie Holmes is a great beard.

    [Reply]

    Pj Perez Reply:

    *rim shot*

    [Reply]

  7. lynn

    AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! This is the best of the best of the best! From the illustrations to Curt’s HI-larious no-beard-self-face-loathing rant. I want this on my wall, with commentary.

    [Reply]

  8. lynn

    Also, add a “like” button so i can show my approval of all the comments.

    [Reply]

  9. Graeme

    I’ll never tease another man again about their lack of facial follicle.

    [Reply]

  10. Olav The Hairy

    my shameful beard has a twin! oh rapturous day!

    [Reply]

  11. Euge

    In true LBFA fashion, I picture that all three of these monsters actually have boners below the panels.

    [Reply]

  12. Zakspeed

    But still you wouldn’t want one anyway, they’re such a pain in the ass.

    [Reply]

  13. Markus Seaberry

    Honestly, Curt, shaving really is a pain. Nice strip, and I liked your commentary.

    [Reply]

  14. The Real Derek

    *Badbeardknucks*

    [Reply]

  15. Dan

    I’m planning on shaving for Halloween; thanks for reminding me of what I’m about to forfeit.

    [Reply]

  16. Eddie Joe

    I can’t decide whether I visit this site for the comics or the rants.

    Years ago I grew a beard. At Thanksgiving all my relatives (except cousin Jack) said, “Oh, that looks nice. Looks good.” Jack said, “You look fucking homeless. Shave it.” I shaved it – made it a goatee. At Christmas, all the relatives said, “Oh thank god you shaved. That beard was hideous.” Cousin Jack looked at it skeptically and said, “Yeah, okay.” Moral of the story: family is full of liars. (Except Jack.)

    [Reply]

    Pj Perez Reply:

    I visit for the rants.

    [Reply]

  17. StripeyC

    I resent having to shave my patchy face for the fact that it can’t grow a proper beard.

    I will however be growing a moustache for movember. If you haven’t heard about it, it’s fund raising by growing facial hair in november. Google it.

    p.s. I hate werewolves more then ever now you have pointed this out – excluding teen wolf

    [Reply]

  18. AdamYJ

    I prefer to stay clean shaven.

    Also, I think werewolves are more a metaphor for addiction and loss of self-control rather than beardedness.

    [Reply]

  19. Brett Williams

    At least you have hair, jackass.

    [Reply]

  20. Rizz Rustbolt

    “Oh, I wish I had the ability to shave my manly beard!”

    “Oh, it’s such a pain in the ass, you wouldn’t want to do it!”

    Ever shaved your pits? Or pubes?

    Beard or no beard, guys have it easy.

    [Reply]

  21. Chris

    Everybody knows that Frankenstein’s monster was the original beard.

    [Reply]

  22. Tony

    Hey, Rizz, you run a razor over every inch of your face, once a day, for the next month. You have to do it twice a day, if your boyfriend cries and bitches if you kiss him with stubble.
    I will run a razor over my hairy kidneys everytime in the month, that I guess I might get lucky that night/have to wear a bikini that day.

    Then we will compare shaving burn damage to our nerve endings, actual cuts, and time wasted at the end of the month.

    Like a lot of the things the different sexes “Know” about each others experience, you actually don’t know what you are talking about.

    [Reply]

  23. Cliff

    I have to say, I fully appreciate my beard. Through either divine grace or genetic lottery, I’ve been granted a fucking fantastic beard and I luxuriate in it every day.

    [Reply]

  24. Rudolph

    When people get older the ability to get arouses and excited also take longer to happen but
    people continue to enjoy sexual activity in the old age.
    Meanwhile Joey who is now earning more money gives Chandler
    an expensive bracelet as a symbol of their friendship.
    Maybe the lady you and your husband shared that threeway experience with would want to rendezvous with you.

    [Reply]

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