With the arrival of Sarah Palin’s kid (Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig) on the national stage, I boldly predicted an upward trend in the naming of kids as, you know, whatever the fuck.
Musing on this widely accepted and scientific fact, I soon became curious as to the names of my own ill-fated children. To sate my curiosity, I turned to LBFA’s lone source of capital – our time machine. Packing a blanket and a bottle of wine, I set off for adventure! I soon realized adventure fucking sucks; I had forgotten to bring a corkscrew and ended up using the blanket to soak up the wine after I shattered the bottle in a lame attempt at opening it.
Anyway, I zoomed through many alternate timelines, foiled in each by the reality that apparently most human women were too intimidated to procreate with me. I finally found one where something must have happened to me as a child to teach me the value of human love and respect. I took great care to ignore all advice that my hideous doppelganger gave me on “caring” and “trust”, knowing that his ideas could very well create a destabilizing force in my own universe leading to its horrible and personally unfulfilling destruction. Instead, I took copious notes on my three future alternate children. I present them to you with no sense of pride since Universe #1 Curt (me) never even got to have sex to make these brats.
#1 Particle-Board Octave Franklin
Yeah, this kid better learn to fight if he’s going to be struggling for my acceptance in vain for the rest of his life. Only on my death bed will I show him and fatherly affection. Sadly, he will have long since made peace with my hurtful actions and moved on, leaving my final words of “Son, I love you” to the ears of a minimum wage caretaker who doesn’t even speak English.
#2 Blend and Columbian Octave Franklin
Counting these as one since the Bible said twins share a soul and one is destined to murder/marry the other. No particular comment about these kids, they’re obviously failures to my future self.
Yeah, I guess this is some kind of Cyclops/Cable thing going on here, where I have him in the future and he travels back in time to fight by my side or make rap albums or whatever. He revealed to me the Wu Tang secret but the Illuminati made me ageee to a Time Bond so I would never reveal it. Sorry, readers!